Friday, January 24, 2014

Confessions...

Lets see if I can actually post this, I have written three or four blog posts but I have been unable to finish them for some reason.  Today I just feel like it is time to post something.  I really want this to be a place where I can share my hopes, dreams, upsets, frustrations, and exciting things.  Lately I feel like my life has been full of upsets, frustrations, and dreams than exciting things.  I have been putting up a strong front for so long and I feel like it is crumbling down.  My hope is by sharing some feelings here I can get past them and start over, kind of like a new year with new beginnings.

First, my husband is still without a job.  We are going on 5 months now that he has not been able to get a job.  He has applied for thousands of jobs all across the country.  We have had a couple of hopefuls but nothing has come of them. It's not really about not having the money coming in (although it would be nice to have more money coming in) but it is more about my husband.  My heart breaks for him, he is trying his absolute hardest to find a job.  He has not given up for one second he keeps pressing forward.  He is such a hard worker and has so many amazing skills and qualities.  I can see that the more thanks but no thanks responses that he has been getting have started to effect him.  I wish I could go to those companies and shake them and say, "you are missing out on one of the hardest workers out there.  Yes he may not have as much experience yet but if you just give him one chance you will be amazed at what he can do."  Unfortunately I can't do that.  I feel like I am a broken record for saying be patient something will come and quite honestly I can't be patient anymore.  I just don't understand why and maybe I never will.  I just have to ask if anyone knows of any Online Marketing or Account Manager positions out there to please let me know.  We are willing to go wherever a job takes us. Thank you!

Second,  at times in my life I feel like such a failure.  I have tried to set goals for myself and I just find myself failing at everything.  I can't seem to keep up with it, I do great for the first week maybe two if I am lucky and then I just fail and can't seem to pick myself back up.  I am a victim of my own mind and I want to change that.  I want to be in charge of my mind, I want to change how I think about myself and what I tell myself.  I want to have the strength to be able to stick to something for once in my life.  I guess I just have to take it one day at a time and send those negative thoughts to a different universe.  Does anyone struggle with this and how have you been able to overcome it?

A midst all of these negative things going on in my life and in my head there are some great things.  First, I have decided to go back to school.  I received my Associates long ago and have decided to pursue my dream of being a graphic designer and go to school for my Bachelor's in Graphic Design.  I am really excited!  It's terrifying, especially with our financial circumstance, to go back to school but I hope that when I am done I can bring in some money to help our family.  I am grateful for a place to live, my in-laws have been so great to allow us to live in their home and have been so patient with us.  We aren't the funnest people to be around right now because we are so mopey but we truly are grateful that we don't have to live on the streets! I am grateful for our health and that we don't have any sicknesses or diseases.  I am grateful for my job that I have and that I am able to bring in some money.  I am grateful for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints, without it I would be completely lost and a complete mess with everything going on.  I know that we have a Heavenly Father and that he loves us and is always here for us to share our burdens.  I know that he is mindful of us and will help us get through our trials in his time. I am grateful for family and friends who have been willing to help us by allowing us to have dinner with us and just to hang out with us.  Most importantly I am grateful to have my husband in my life.  He is my rock and helps me out more than I deserve.  He is so understanding and deals with my mood swings.